GCM 31 | Domestic Violence

 

Domestic violence can put individuals, especially women, in a place of feeling stuck and being paralyzed. Imagine going through something like that and wanting to forward your life? A lot of times, there are issues with confidence and self-esteem with women going forward after experiencing something like this. Amilia Powers of Value Ur Self is an advocate for women who have suffered some type of domestic violence. She’s an author, speaker, writer, and she’s not willing to be a victim of her circumstances. Amilia joins us to tell about the work that she does and how she helps women that have experienced some type of domestic violence to move forward in their lives.

Listen to the podcast here:

Valuing Yourself: Rising Above Domestic Violence with Amilia Powers

I’m meeting with Amilia Powers. She’s an advocate for women who have suffered some type of domestic violence. She’s an author, speaker, writer and she’s not willing to be a victim of her circumstances. She has found a passion and the desire to teach women how to overcome unhealthy and abusive relationships. She provides them with the necessary tools to rise through their struggles and pain. She encourages women to see their value and help them heal through forgiveness so that they can live happier and more fulfilled lives. Welcome, Amilia. How are you doing?

I’m great. It’s nice to be with you, Rodney.

Thank you for being here. I was reading through your bio and looking at the work that you do and I’m very passionate about that because part of my target market is individuals who have suffered some type of domestic violence, specifically women. I know and I realized that that can put those individuals in a place of feeling stuck and being paralyzed. Can you imagine going through something like that and wanting to forward your life? You have maybe the programming or the past experience of the things that have happened to you that have been done to you and it keeps you from moving forward. A lot of times there’s a confidence issue and a self-esteem issue with women going forward after experiencing something like this. Tell us about the work that you do and how it helps women of that nature that have experienced that to move forward in their lives.

From my personal experience, I found different ways and different avenues to make things brighter and I find the courage to go forward. Courage is the big word. We become ashamed. We become withdrawn. We become lost in ourselves. We meet incredible people in our lives. The first thing that comes to mind when you meet someone very kind and gentle when they’re walking with you and they’re treating you with respect and kindness and joy, you’re going to expect that throughout the relationship. Not every relationship is perfect and we go through our stumbling blocks, but it shouldn’t be torment. It shouldn’t be pain and it shouldn’t be hurt. We do get lost in that cycle. It took a long time for me to get over a situation that was very brutal to me.

I shied away from my family and my friends. I got lost in the relationship thinking that it is all about things that I’ve done wrong or things that I did incorrectly. I knew there was a different way. Once that relationship ended, I knew that the burden was lifted but it’s only lifted through that cycle of pain. I prayed, I sat in silence, I tried to find the strength and the courage and listened very carefully to what I can do next or what was going to happen next. What are the steps I needed to take? Through that, I created great tools for women. I created personalized meditation. That personalized meditation is not what you see out there right now that’s visible to everyone. Personalized meditation is your own personal story. It’s in its input into the meditation that I said to women all across the world and all across the country to listen to their questions about what do I do? Why this has happened? What do I do next? Is God even listening to me?

We're not the only ones in our life, single or not. We have people in our lives. Click To Tweet

I take those questions and we find a solution through those meditations. In the end, there were many breakthroughs. There were many wow or a-ha moments in their lives that said, “This is what I needed. What do I do next after this? This is exciting. I know there’s a good life out there for me. My life didn’t stop here. The pain didn’t stop here.” They reach out to me. We have consultations one-on-one. We have my workshops, my group sessions, and we move on into more healing because healing doesn’t happen in three months. Healing doesn’t happen in six months. Healing is an ongoing situation, especially when you’re very tormented and hurt inside.

What are some of the recommendations that you have? I understand the meditation. How are your meditations helping individuals who may be suffering? Abusive relationship and domestic violence are very serious issues. It’s a nationally recognized issue. How can we help these women avoid that type of situation? When they find themselves in there, it’s hard to get out. I’m looking for some solutions that will help individuals come out of that situation.

It was very difficult to say that when you’re in that relationship. You’re not expecting it. You’re living through the joy and love at the very beginning. As women, we love that. We love to be cared for. We love someone to hold our hand, be loving to us, be nurturing to us, to show their kindness. We don’t know that twist until you’re involved. The person who’s the abusive party knows that twist, knows how to attack women in those ways. They have you at hello. You’re making those excuses. You’re making those remarks to yourself. You’re becoming unkind to yourself through, “What did I do wrong for him to change like this? What have I done to make him hurt me, abuse me, call me names, belittle me?” Those days become weeks and you’ll find yourself stuck and you’re not telling anyone out there in the world. You’re not telling your friends. You’re not telling your family. Most of us have learned to stay silent. Whatever happens in your home, stays in your home. You’re not extending that out there.

You want to fix what’s in your home because women are made to fix things or we want to make things right. We’re not extending that out to anyone, so there’s no one else to voice it to. We become stuck there until something happens, like I was saying in my personal relationship, where it ended and it ended violently. It didn’t end calmly and I wake up and I’m like, “I don’t want this for someone else. I don’t want them to walk through silence as I did.” As a child, I walked through silence in life. Anything that was happening in our home, I was never able to tell anyone in school. We weren’t allowed. I came from a very European background. I wasn’t allowed to tell my friends. I walked through life like that. I carried that bag of silence with me everywhere I go. I held it even through my relationship and that’s why it’s not a good idea. You have to be aware of what’s happening in your life. We know when we’re treated poorly. We know as women when things aren’t right. We don’t have to make excuses for someone who is treating us unkindly and treating us poorly, especially to the point where we’re abused.

You mentioned courage. As I sit back and listen to you talk, you’re right. A lot of people go silent. They don’t want to talk about it. There’s the fear of judgment and the shame and all of those things. Courage, when I think about that word, it is not being fearful but courage is experiencing the fear, having that fear, acknowledging the fear but then doing it anyway. That’s what it takes when it comes to communicating and being open with someone. Find someone that you can talk to about this issue and then having the courage to say, “I’m not going to deal with it anymore. I’m going to leave or I’m going to get the help that I need. I’m going to move on. Let it go. I’m not going to give them the excuses to continue to do this to me. That does take tremendous courage. What would you say to someone who’s in that situation right now and maybe they’re not feeling very strong, maybe they’re not feeling very courageous at the moment?

GCM 31 | Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence: Not every relationship is perfect and we go through our stumbling blocks, but it shouldn’t be torment, it shouldn’t be pain, and it shouldn’t be hurt.

 

I want to emphasize at this point. When you’re going through this, it’s almost traumatic. It’s a horrible situation. You have to look at everyone around you. I had kids. They also went through this with me. You’re not by yourself. You can’t think of yourself anymore. You have to think of your family, your kids, even your extended family who is watching this. They were pained. My family was pained watching me go through pain and not saying a word. My entire family suffered from it and I still thought about how I was going to make it better with this person. I forgot I wasn’t alone. It’s unfair to everyone around you. The message that I want to give is if you’re out there and you’re in this situation, you need to look in your household. Who’s in there with you? Who is suffering this same pain you’re suffering? Because what you’re going through, they’re going through also. Don’t think that one moment when someone is cursing at you or hitting you, belittling you, treating you poorly that your kids don’t see that, that they’re not affected.

Everyone’s affected, even the ones who are not in your house that are the closest to you, friends who can’t even reach out to you because you’ve already withdrawn. They’re also affected. We need to be aware of that. I can’t stress anymore about how women need to speak to their daughters. As a mom, I speak to my daughter and my granddaughter, “Look at what’s around you. Look at how you’re being treated.” You need to keep that open conversation when they’re dating. Open conversation when your daughter or your son is dating is crucial because what they saw, you do not want them to carry forward in their life. What they didn’t inquire, you don’t want them to inquire about in their life. You need to have that open communication, “What is happening in your relationship? Who did you go out with today?” Call out on their friends. You’re allowed. You’re a parent, you’re concerned. Take a visit. Check with all this communication now with technology. We need to double check our children and our families.

It doesn’t matter if they’re away at school. It doesn’t matter if they’re living in your house. No matter where they are, they need to double check. They need to have open communication. A child, a daughter, a son should never be afraid of going to their father and never be afraid of going to their mother about anything. They should never have that instilled, to begin with. You never tell your children, “I don’t want to hear.” No, “I do want to hear what’s going on in your life because you are my life too.” I’m stressing that because the biggest mistake I made was allowing this to happen when it shouldn’t have happened in front of my children. I should never have allowed it. I should have had my foot down from the beginning that I wasn’t the only one in my home. I wasn’t the only one in my life. Remember, we’re not the only ones in our life, single or not. We have people in our lives.

Why do you believe that this happens? Why do you believe women fall into these disruptive types of relationships?

I don’t believe that we fall into it. I didn’t bat for that. We want to live a life of love and happiness and joy. That’s every woman’s dream and every man’s dream to have someone beside them, to love them, to care for them, to be a part of them, to be a part of their family and share special moments. Even with bad moments, walk through it with them. You never bet six months down the road that there’s going to be a little twist in that system. From there, you have to be aware. When that particular moment happens, it could happen two months down the road.

Every woman and every man's dream is to live a life of love, happiness, and joy. Click To Tweet

With me, it happened eight months down the road. Things started to take a turn for the worst. All of a sudden, I felt lost and alone. I felt withdrawn in a matter of months. This was already being in the works and not even knowing, “You don’t have to go there. You don’t have to visit your family. You don’t have to go out with your daughter.” I didn’t see that coming and it took about six to eight months to see that everything’s changed. I was alone listening to what he had to say, what time I needed to come home, what I needed to dress like, where I needed to be, what time I’m getting home from work, and then I ended up with one car instead of two. That’s how bad it got. We need to be aware when the cycle starts to turn.

What are some of those signs? How can we be more aware?

The signs start to change from the first curse, from the first disrespect. Even when you’re out in public, when you’re in front of family, when you’re put down, those are the signs. When things are starting to change because that came out of nowhere. Where did that come from? That’s when your antenna should go up. Then when he starts putting down your family, your children, or this friend isn’t good or that person isn’t right. It’s to drag you away from all of what you’re used to, everyone that loves you, everyone that’s happy for you. All of a sudden, your happiness is diminishing because everyone around you is being pushed away from you. You start feeling grief. You start to grieve on what you had. Your love is gone. Your smile is gone. Your happiness is gone. You have to know that. I knew that. I knew it was something very terrible. I didn’t know how to get out of it and that’s when I started to sit silently.

I started to meditate. I started to ask myself my own questions. I started to pray. I was very close to my faith, to begin with. That’s what got me through this. My faith was very strong. I instill this now. I write about this all the time. Please do not remain silent when things start to change. Pull your friends closer, pull your family closer. Don’t pull them further apart because they’re not going to know when it hits the fan, so to speak. Everyone says when it hits the fan, everyone’s going to be aware. “We didn’t know that. We didn’t know you had trouble. I thought you were a lovely couple. Look at all your Facebook pages. Look at all your pictures.” Behind those pictures was so much pain for me.

It’s very difficult when you’re losing your identity and that’s what we’re talking about here. Your identity begins to slip from you, which is also a sign when you feel like you can’t be yourself and you’re always living for someone else. You never can live for yourself because I don’t believe that when you’re in a relationship, you should lose yourself. I’m big on that. Your relationship should enhance you and it should enhance your personality. Everything should flourish as a result of the relationship that you’re in.

GCM 31 | Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence: A child, a daughter, or a son should never be afraid of going to their father or their mother about anything.

 

If you find yourself going in the opposite direction and the signs need to go up, self-identity is what’s stripped from you. That makes it hard to go on because you can’t get out of this situation. You may not be getting abused every day because you’ve removed yourself and your kids from that. What I find is that even though you’re out of the situation, it still affects you. It still haunts you because you’re stripped of who you are. There’s the process that you have to go through to rediscover who you are, to regain your self-identity. How does a person do that?

To regain your identity because you’ve already gone through it, you already understand it. When you understand your position, it’s a lot easier to walk through it. You have to understand that it wasn’t you. It was that person who abused her. It wasn’t her mistake. It was the wrong person that you encountered in your life.

There’s a level of forgiveness.

Yes, that’s a big thing with me. I had to learn right away, not three months down the road. When that relationship completely ended, I immediately said I forgive him. I had to say it because I already worked my way to that point by staying in my faith. Saying, “I know, God, this is not my plan. I know that you have a better plan for me. I know that I had to walk through this. I know that I’m going to be a better person from it.” That’s why I was explaining my meditation is sitting silently and asking myself those questions, asking God those questions because it already sets me up to be able to gain the strength, gain the power, gain the courage from that ending to make it better for myself. I knew I had a whole life ahead of me and I knew love didn’t feel that way because I knew how I was loved. I know what love feels like because I love my kids. I know how that feels to be loved and cared about and respected and having kindness. I didn’t lose that. That’s something no one can ever take away from you. The love you already know exists. That helped me know that it’s okay. He’s gone. That was good. I’m glad. I’m happy that he’s gone. I’m glad that the good Lord set him on his way when he wasn’t for me. Because of my faith and because of knowing my belief system of knowing how much love I had in my heart, it made it easier to understand this and it was easy for me to forgive.

A lot of times you can get stuck in this place where you have all of that love that you want to give. You want to give this love and you know what that love feels like. One thing that I want to bring home here is that that same love can be applied by you to you. In that situation, it’s very critical to apply that love to yourself and not only forgiving the person but forgiving yourself because you can hold yourself accountable and hold yourself hostage for making the decision to get into a relationship in the first place. “Why did I do this? I was so stupid. I should have known better.” You can’t foresee the future. What’s done is done. It’s not about what happened. It’s how are we going to move forward? I love advocating self-compassion. Realizing that you’re human and that you make mistakes and you can’t always control other people’s behavior. We can forgive them and we can decide how we’re going to respond to their behavior.

Love is a gift that can't be taken away, and no one has a right to it. Click To Tweet

We’re not going to let anyone harm us and if they are harming us, we’re not going to remain in that situation. You’re going to move out of that situation and then we’re going to forgive ourselves for being in this situation in the first place. I find that that is very difficult for people to do because they keep blaming themselves and they hold themselves accountable for putting themselves or their children in that situation. What we have to do is we have to have that self-compassion. Not only be aware of what we’re feeling and how we’re feeling but having self-compassion for ourselves to say, “This happened. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. However, I’m wiser. I know how to look for the sign. I’m strong because I’ve been able to go through this and it didn’t kill me. I’m still alive and I still have opportunities. I’m going to teach my kids how not to put themselves in a situation or to look for things in an effort to prevent it from happening to them.”

I love what you’re doing because sometimes we can get into those situations and we never come out. You’re coming out and you’re helping other women who may find themselves in that situation as well, which is the proper thing. Whenever we go through any type of challenge, whatever it is, we have a couple of choices. We can either allow that challenge or obstacles to overtake us, to keep us in bondage, keep us from living the life we want to live or we can overcome it. I believe there’s a lesson in overcoming it. I believe that that’s a gift because now as a result of overcoming and learning how to get out of it, I can share that information. That’s what the world needs because not everyone knows how to get out. Not everyone is willing to get out. Not everyone even believes that they can get out. We need people. Not that I want people to go through those things but when we do, we take what we can from it. I believe in harvesting the good out of every situation, regardless of how bad it is.

Sometimes trauma happens to us in our lives. I also believe that the greater the challenge, the greater the lesson, the greater the reward of coming out of that. That’s what we get to take with us and share with others. I believe that in sharing, there’s power and that’s when we can make a difference. That’s where we can make an impact on the world. I know society sometimes looks down on individuals that have experienced things like that. I don’t know how you feel, but I admire that especially the survivors and the people that have gotten through it. I admire that because I realize it takes so much strength and courage to do this. I understand the lesson. There’s something about that person that’s amazing, that’s awesome, that’s admirable because they were able to get through that. Just like you, you’re amazing. Wanting to come on the show and share that with people, it’s amazing that you’re willing to take that stand. That’s my message to individuals that are dealing with this.

Sometimes they may feel like less than or different or abnormal or something like that. They’re so far from that. That’s so far from the truth because you have something now that can change the world. If we can come together and open up that conversation about this, then we can prevent it. We can make waves in stopping domestic violence and helping women develop that courage and that self-esteem and all the other things that are needed whenever they see this begins to happen. Whenever it starts like immediately shut it down and not stay in these relationships for years because it takes time to have the courage and the self-awareness, the identity. Imagine if we can build up women who, from the beginning, are not going to put up with that.

It’s very important as mothers, as fathers to instill that in our children and our sons that this is not the way to treat a woman. It’s not the way to go forward, “How would you like if your sister was treated this way?” That’s something that I said to a cousin of mine. He was downing his sister and I said, “That’s not very nice how you’re treating her. How would you like it if someone treated her in a terrible way? What would you do?” I said, “As a family, we also have to stick together. It’s not just one person sticking together.” I said, “Because you’re siblings and because you’re so close in age, it’s good to watch out for each other. Communicate with each other, open communication on your relationships. Don’t be ashamed or sad or afraid to speak to one another because you’re both at that stage where you can help each other through it.” You could say, “This isn’t right. Something’s not right.” Accompany each other to where you’re going.

GCM 31 | Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence: When you understand your position, it’s a lot easier to walk through it.

 

We have a daughter and a son. They both have to know. A son has to know how to treat a woman and a daughter has to know what you will expect from a man. You have to instill that in their heads all the time because the buck stops with them, they will teach their kids and the cycle won’t recycle itself. It won’t continue and that’s when the society and our culture here and all across the country will stop because if we teach them, they’ll teach their children. If they see what we went through, they’re not going to want that but we have to continue. It’s an ongoing relationship. It’s an ongoing education within not only yourself but for your kids and telling them that love was given to us. Love is a gift that can’t be taken away and no one has a right to it. You have a right to share it. You have a right to share your glory, your joy, your happiness. No one has a right to take that from you or think that they have a right to it.

If people wanted to contact you and learn about what is that you do or use your program or your services, how can they contact you?

They can contact me at ValueURSelf.com or CoffeeWithAmilia.com, which is easier. They can contact me there, leave me a message, get a consultation, we can begin the program, we can begin the healing, we can begin the process. No one should stay stuck. If you’re out of the relationship, it’s the best time for you right now to reach out to me so we can get started. If you’re in a relationship and don’t know what to do and you’re already in that part where the twist has already happened, the relationship has gone. Who knows, two years, three years, you could even still be in it at four years’ time. Sometimes they last a long time. Reach out to me because there’s always a way. People might not even know what’s in your life. You might be sitting there alone and not knowing what to do. There is a way. I know that there is a way because I thought there wasn’t a way myself and that’s why I want to express that there is a way.

No one’s alone. I should be able to pick up the phone with any woman in this country and they should be able to just say to me, “I don’t know you but I can help you.” That’s the message we want to bring. I should open up my phone to any man across the country and they should say they’re not going to hang up. They shouldn’t hang up. The message is don’t hang up. You don’t know who needs help. Direct me. I need someone. I might have made a missed call, but that person on the other end should never hang up. They should always say, “I got you. This is where you need to go. This is who you need to find. This is what you need to do next.” That’s the message we want to give. The only way we could come together is to not hang up that phone. Let anyone and everyone reach out to you for help.

When we started the conversation before the show, you were talking about your meditations. Tell us a little bit about your meditations and how it can help individuals.

You may be hurt, but you're not broken. Click To Tweet

The meditations were created through my prayers. I sat in silence to get as much information as I could from the Lord because I felt alone. He was the only one I felt that would listen to me because I was so connected to my faith. I wanted to make my life right. I would sit in silence. It would be in my car, it would be in my lunch break at work, or at home in my room. I would ask the Lord all kinds of questions. What do I do next? What happens to me now? Where do I begin to change in my life? Then I would answer my own questions. I would write all this down and from that, as I was speaking to other women because I created a novel with other women. They have several questions on, “I feel ashamed. I don’t want to tell anyone. What is my father go to think? What is my mother go to think? What do I do with my kids?”

All those questions came in play in the personalized meditations that I created. They would write to me their struggle and I would create their own personalized meditations with their own questions, with their own solutions in that meditation that walk them right through it. Several women have written to me telling me their breakthroughs. Several women have written to me and tell me, “I need this. How do I create my own?” It’s the most incredible piece of tool that anyone can ever have with them. It’s walking through their own pain, walking through their own burdens, walking through their own darkness and seeing that there is a solution to it.

How can people who want it grab this meditation or participate in this meditation? How can they do that?

They can reach me at www.CoffeeWithAmilia.com. My telephone number is up on the top of the page. They can call and ask for a consultation or they can email me through the contact page also on that website and asked me for a consultation and we’ll work on it from there. We’ll build a meditation through their situation right now and work out a solution for their circumstances. It’s amazing. I always tell people when they tell me, “Where do I begin? I don’t know how to start my questions. I don’t know what to do.” It’s not difficult because we know our situation and I already created four meditations: Lord, Can You Hear Me, Healing the Broken-Hearted, How Do I Forgive and God’s Got Your Back. I created four. When people think that the Lord can’t hear them and God doesn’t have their back, I created some meditation that you need to listen to. They’re all from questions from women across the country, questions and answers to those questions.

They feel the Lord coming in and taking their burden, their pain, their hurt and their broken heart right away. Did you know your heart’s not broken? Your heart that’s part of your love that was given to you from the Lord. No one can take that from you. You’re hurt, but you’re not broken. Please, if you need this type of healing, I would suggest you purchase or connect with me and find those four meditations on my website, connect with me and I’ll help you through it. There’s a free eBook on that website, Learning to Forgive. It walks you through the ways I was able to forgive and lightened my life completely, lifted my spirits, being able to walk forward and help other women find that. It’s very hard to forgive when someone has pained you so bad because my first question to the Lord was, “How do I forgive a person who has abused me that bad?” His answer was, “Because you can.”

GCM 31 | Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence: Don’t hang up. You don’t know who needs help.

 

I want to thank you for stopping by and sharing with us. This has been a great show. Thank you for the information that you’ve provided. For the audience, go check out the meditation. I believe that we have challenges, we have to seek out the tools necessary in order to get over those challenges. If we don’t seek out the necessary tools, if we don’t utilize the tools, then we’re shortchanging ourselves. We’re not giving ourselves the best opportunity or the best possibility to overcome the challenges. It sounds like these are some powerful meditations that have been proven and built from real life experiences. Go check them out because I’m sure you will find them to be very beneficial to you.

Amilia, thank you again for stopping by the show. This has been great. For the audience, wherever you are in life and whatever you’re doing, whatever challenge you may be facing, it may be fearful, it may be hard, but we have to develop the courage and the willingness and the willpower and the determination to overcome those challenges. We have to because we’re game changers and we were put on this Earth not to suffer and not to be belittled and let our light go out, but to allow our light to shine brightly, to be the light of the world. If you find yourself in a place where you’re not shiny, your light is being dimmed and you’re not able to express yourself to the fullest extent possible. That is an indication that you have to find the courage to allow your light to shine because I truly believe that that is your purpose. As we always say here on the Game Changer Mentality show, greatness is your birthright. Until the next time.

Important Links:

About Amilia Powers

GCM 31 | Domestic Violence

Member: United Nations Association of the USA & UNA-Women

With my passion-driven focus to help others, I am a very active person who is highly committed in my role as an inspirational mentor. Through my mentorship, I work with clients in either individual or group settings, and forums to help them in their life’s transitions. I believe that there are no regrets necessary in life, only opportunities to learn from mistakes that are the result of wrong choices. With this at the heart of my inspirational healing and transformational practices, I am committed to finding a way to reach out to anyone in need as they navigate through the challenges of their life. I stand behind my clients with encouragement to help them pick up the pieces and become stronger through their trials, improve self-awareness, increase self-love, so they can live a happier and healthier life.

Are you ready to shed your past, rise above your present, and go confidently in the direction of your dreams? The first step? Decide. Choose right here and now to make a move. Set your intention. Then simply ask Rodney for help. https://rodneyflowers.com/mentoring/ 

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