There must be a good reason why only a very small percentage of the people in the world ever get to achieve the best life that they can have. It’s all about managing your mindset and it’s not really that difficult if you’re really motivated. Top-performing real estate agent and mindset coach, Pam Christian shares the highlights of her mindset philosophy with Rodney Flowers on the podcast. The pandemic may have caused us a lot of distress, but it also gave us what could be our best opportunity to start doing that inner work in ourselves. Join in on this game-changing conversation for some time-tested tips to get inside of yourself, release your burdens and set yourself up for greater things.
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Managing Your Mindset During Challenging Times With Pam Christian
I have Pam Christian with me. She is the Founder, Owner, and CEO of The Pam Christian Group. She has been an entrepreneur and a successful real estate agent since 2005. Throughout her career in real estate, Pam has assisted hundreds upon hundreds of happy home buyers and sellers. Pam’s commitment to excellence, customer satisfaction, and the ability to build strong relationships with her clients propelled her career and quickly established her as a top-performing Bergen County real estate agent. Pam’s dedication and expertise in her industry have earned her the most prestigious award in the business including Circle of Excellence Platinum Level, 100 Most Influential Realtors in New Jersey, and Real Trends Top Realtors. Welcome to show, Ms. Pam Christian.
I’m happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
I’m glad that you are here as well. Your introduction, although great, doesn’t do you justice because I know that there are other things out there that you are doing as it relates to mindset coaching, motivational speaking, and all of those things. Tell us a little bit about what you’re doing, especially at a time like this in the world.
Real estate is no longer in my rearview mirror. I still have a team, but I’m not doing that at all. That was my previous career, which means anyone can change careers anytime they want and follow their passion and their heart so they can live their best lives, which is what I did. I loved real estate, but I am doing mindset coaching and motivational speaking. I have a podcast also called The Juice, which I’m going to have you on. Most importantly, my mission here is to help heal humanity by motivating and inspiring others to live their best lives.
I’m excited about that because a lot of people are hurting. I’m ready to start the healing process. We’ve started it to some degree. What are some things that we can do to start recovering? It seems like we’re in the midst of the things of this pandemic and social injustice and it’s hurting. How can we begin to heal?
It always comes down to one thing and we forget to look at this one thing. We’re busy outward blaming everyone else. Trust me, there’s plenty of room to blame and plenty of blame to go around. The only thing each one of us can control is ourselves. The only people we can change are ourselves. The only people we can heal are ourselves. We can support others. We can do things with others. We can only control ourselves.
The first thing I always recommend to people when they come to me and when they talk about whatever is going on for them is to look inward. You got to go inside. We’re busy even when things are good and we’re not in a crisis like we are right now. We are looking outwards for validation. We’re looking outwards for everything. Go inside. Find your soul, your true essence, who you are as much as you want to get to know that guy or that girl. You have to know you. Who are you? What do you like? What don’t you like? What makes you happy? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What makes you sad? What makes you mad? We’ve lost touch with ourselves.
Do you feel like COVID is an opportunity to get to know yourself a lot better? We’re locked down. There’s a lot of isolation going on. We can’t leave the house. A lot of people are struggling with that. They don’t want to get to know themselves. They don’t want to go in. What can we do? How can we open up this idea of getting to know ourselves?
People don’t want to go in because they’re afraid of what they’re going to face. The thing is, we all go through the darkness. If you keep running and avoiding and doing things to distract or numb, you’re going to keep repeating these cycles and feeling the same way over and over again. Find someone to hold your hand through it if you need. I always say, “I’m here for you if you need support through it.” In order to become the person you want to be, that you’re meant to be, the potential you have to live up to, you have to look at the things you don’t like because that’s the only way you can change them.
I believe that. There’s a lot of deprogramming that we have to do, and that’s the reality of it. Even looking at society with the social injustice as an indication that there’s still some beliefs and ideas that are festering that were prominent years upon years ago, but yet they’re still here. It’s not facing those things. It’s dealing with those limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves. We fail to do that. There’s an idea that it’s okay to believe those things. It’s okay to feel the way I feel. It’s okay to think the way I think. We don’t challenge that. When we do, it affects our identity.
I believe that we’re in an identity crisis. We could talk about that because humanity in itself, we’re facing an identity crisis. We don’t know who we are. Before we can get to that, we have to focus on a deprogramming some of the things that we’ve been taught, that we’ve learned throughout our years. It’s not okay. A lot of that has shaped who you are. All of it has shaped who you are and how you view the world. If you don’t check that, you will live your life viewing the world through the lens of the ideas of someone else and not truly yourself.
I realized I didn’t fully answer your other question. I want to say when you want to make those changes and you want to go inward but you’re afraid or you’re trying to avoid it because of the pain, it’s bite-sized pieces. It’s baby steps. You don’t have to take on this huge project. Do one thing. Find one thing. Take a walk in silence. Put on some music. Stop being on your device all the time. Make some tea, it’s grounding. Find one thing and do it slowly and then incorporate the next thing.
To your statement, I 100% agree. We have this inner critic inside of ourselves, this saboteur. The saboteur is loud and clear. We buy into what the saboteur says. We listen to it. We think it’s right. We don’t question it. We don’t challenge it, “I’m not good enough. That person became famous. I can’t do that. That person got this car.” That’s all materialistic stuff. We look at everyone else and say, “We can’t do those things,” but they’re us and we’re them. If they’re able to, we’re able to. Our voice has somehow overshadowed ourselves.
I was that person. I had that voice. I went through a lot of things in my life. When my book comes out, you’ll get to read about them. I promise you, they were as bad as it gets. If I could champion for myself and become who I am, so can you. What you need to do is, first, become self-aware. The number one thing is to notice your thoughts. You don’t even have to do anything with them. Notice them. Let them come in. Don’t hide from them. Don’t avoid them. Notice them. When you start noticing them, you’re like, “I don’t like that thought. That thought doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t feel good to me.” You then can start having a dialogue with yourself.
If you had a friend who came over and said, “I’m this. I look this way and I don’t like it. This person doesn’t like me. I’m not smart enough,” all these things that they would say, what would you say to them? You’re not going to be like, “You’re not smart enough. You can’t do that.” That’s how you need to start talking to yourself. We have to be aware and conscious and stop sleepwalking through life so that we can take care of ourselves.
I had a client and the client was dealing with love. It was a client that felt that no one loved. They didn’t have love in their life the way they wanted love in their life. I said, “Picture this. If you have love in your life the way you want love your life, what would it look like?” He would begin to tell me, “If I had love in my life, the person that loved me would say this to me.” I said, “Say that to yourself.” I said, “What else?” “They will probably take me out for dinner.” I said, “Take yourself out.” I said, “What else?” He said, “They’ll probably go for a walk with me and share some beautiful things with me.” I said, “Take yourself for a walk and share some beautiful things with yourself.”
The message to this person was to love yourself the way that you would want to be loved. Start loving yourself because it’s not that you don’t have love in your life, you’re just not recognizing the love that you have in your life and you’re looking for it in this particular form, shape, or fashion. Because it’s not showing up in that form, shape, or fashion, you’re saying it doesn’t exist. It does exist. You love yourself. You won’t have those feelings. Love is different. There’s a difference between not having love in your life and not having someone in your life to share with. That’s not what you said. You’re saying, “I don’t have love in my life.” When you feel you don’t have love in your life, you’re going around and thinking, “I don’t have love in my life.” You’re creating the energy to not have love in your life.Stop sleepwalking through life. Be more conscious. Click To Tweet
You’re manifesting that.
It’s those small mental shifts in your mind that save the day.
On top of that, I feel like people don’t love themselves because we are taught, as a society, not to. We’re taught to look at what’s wrong with us and not what’s right about us. You have to unpack a little and go through layers and layers of programming and conditioning and deprogram and take away those layers. Also, people have been hurt in love. I’m not talking about romantic love. Love from family members and love from friends. They’re afraid to love themselves because of that rejection. Do you know who Dr. Joe Dispenza is?
Yes, I do.
It’s all on a cellular level. You’re going to have to go through some of the pain, like he says, to get to the pleasure. The thought of the pain is scarier than going through it. When you start going through it, it’s a beautiful process.
Isn’t that anything like challenges, obstacles? You would want to get to the other side of something and it could be a mountain and you look up and you’re like, “That’s a scary mountain. I could fall. I could hurt myself.” You start calculating all the things that could possibly happen. You completely forget the joy that you could feel by getting on the other side of the mountain because you’ve calculated all the risk. You didn’t even calculate how good it would be if you were to tackle all of that and make it to the other side, that wasn’t even a thought or a short one. We sabotage ourselves. We don’t want to deal with that pain, that frustration or that grit, that force, that energy, that commitment, the training, whatever it is that we have to do in order to get to the other side. That’s where the growth happens. In order for you to get from here to there is the stuff that’s in between the spaces. That’s where the juice is.
There’s beauty there. Henry Thoreau said, “The only way out is through.” It couldn’t be a truer statement. You got to go through it. It’s hard and it’s painful. It’s also beautiful, liberating, and empowering when you get to the other side. Anyone you have in your life is because you choose them and not because you need them. It’s because they complement you. They inspire you to be the best version of yourself and vice versa. It’s a whole different kind of relationship rather than, “I need them. I have to fit in. They have to like me,” and then compromising who you are to get that. You got to be you. Each one of us, you and everyone reading, are beautiful and meaning people.
What do you feel is the issue? If you take a look at the stats alone, one that I love to talk about is the fact that only 3% of the population is making things happen. You look at certain things and say, “This 3% controls all of the money and the other 97% do not.” I don’t know if that’s deliberate. There are some variables to that stat we’re not going to get into. I want to say, at the surface level, it appears that not everyone has the opportunity to discover their true uniqueness and bring forward and truly express themselves to the point where they’re living in bliss. They have financial freedom. They have everything that they would want in life. This disparity, what do you think is the cause of that?
There are a lot of things. It’s a generation of generations of trauma that repeats itself, because patterns tend to repeat themselves. It takes one person in a family to make the change. Going forward, everything changes. I’ve broken certain patterns from my family. My kids aren’t going to be living in those patterns. Of course, they’ll have other patterns that they’ll have to deal with. Fear is a huge thing. Sometimes, staying small is safe. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, but it’s not true. It’s comfort. This may not be great and we may not love where we are, but we know where we are. We’re comfortable. We know what to expect.
The other thing is, it’s hard work. It’s not easy to do what we’re doing and to be who were being and to go through the struggle to get to the side we’re at. A lot of people don’t want to do the work. If you can break it down into bite-sized pieces where you say, “This month, all I’m going to focus on is reading a passage each day from a book that will help me grow,” that’s all you have to do. That’s manageable. If it’s, “I have to read. I have to take a walk. I have to have a shot of apple cider vinegar. I have to go exercise. I have to meditate. I have to color a mandala,” and all these other things. You start one day. It’s like a diet. You’re on a diet for four days and then you binge and then you go off the diet. That’s the other thing. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re not going to be on all the time.
Get up the next day and go back on. If you don’t get up the next day, then the next day. You’re not perfect. It’s okay to fail forward. It’s okay to make mistakes. This is all a learning process. We’re surrounded by people who are also feeling the same way. We don’t have support. We don’t have people leveraging us, which is why I always say, “DM me. Message me. I will get back to you and I will be there to support you because the more we help each other, the better the world is going to be. Why not help each other?” Take one step. It’s taking action.
When you talked about the apple cider, the meditation, and all those things, I felt like those are tools. No one says you had to do all those things. Those are things that are available for you. You pull them out and you structure them in a way that works. You then get to choose, “That one doesn’t work.” You put it back. You don’t use every tool in your toolbox every single time that you’re ready to do something, you take out the ones that you need. You use them more often than the ones that are not beneficial.
There are times when that tool that you never use, you only use it once a year. You pull it out whenever you need it and it does what it’s supposed to do and you put it back. You want to have the tools available to you. You have to be smart enough to know that no one is saying you have to do all of this stuff. The idea is to give you a plethora of tools that are at your disposal so that you can structure the process or the plan that works for you, that’s conducive to you and your life and your goals and your objectives, and what feels right resonates with you.
Getting back to the struggle. Personally, I feel like you can’t escape struggle. No one wants to go, “If I do that, I have to struggle through it.” You’re struggling now. There’s a struggle. You’re struggling with identity. You’re struggling with the things that you want to enjoy your life. You’re struggling financially. It’s a struggle. I would rather struggle knowing that I’m struggling to achieve what I want than to struggle for no apparent reason because I don’t know any better or because I don’t want to go through a challenge or feel what it feels like to have to try. I was on a podcast. That’s life, though. Without that, there’s no growth. Take a little baby chick, it can’t even enter life without struggling. This chick got to struggle to get out of the shell. It’s got to figure out how to get out the shell. Challenges are inevitable. You’re going to face challenge.
One of the things is that people are all about instant gratification. This is a process and it’s a journey. If you do something for a month and you look back, you’ll notice a small change. You may not notice, “I’ve grown and I’m this person now.” It’s not a destination. It’s constant. It’s ongoing. You’re leveling up over and over again. You have to be patient with yourself, kind, and compassionate. Our society and culture teach us to go numb and have alcohol, go overeat, go to the amusement park, watch this on Netflix. It doesn’t teach us to look within ourselves.
It’s up to you to be strong enough to say, “Tonight, I’m not going to the bar. I’m going tomorrow night though. I still want to go tomorrow night, but tonight, I’m going to take a bath. All I’m going to do is take a bath. I’m not even going to do meditating, reading, whatever, just take a bath.” It’s one thing, each day, one small thing. As you said, which I love, you have the toolbox and it’s all there. Take out one tool and use that for a while. If you need another tool, grab that one. I’m taking that from you.The thought of the pain is scarier than going through it. Click To Tweet
Even when you go to the bar and you mask the issue, the problem is still there. You can go drink, but the alcohol only lasts for so long. The good feeling only lasts for so long. Eventually, you have to come back true to yourself, which is where I started in this conversation, the identity crisis. I feel that you don’t understand. When we talk about these tools, these tools are used to raise awareness for you to grow, for you to become the person you want to be. Life is about being. In order to be, you have to go through a process. If you’re here and you want to be this person, there’s a process to being this type of person that produces this type of result.
You can’t escape the process because that is the constant in all of this. It requires growth. It requires being uncomfortable. It requires trying new things. It requires new territory. It requires a new network. It requires different perceptions, outlook. It requires deprogramming. It was Bob Proctor that said, “The people that are going to succeed in the world today are the people that can learn, unlearn, and then relearn.” That’s a process. That’s getting to know something else and utilizing something else, letting go of what is there. Perhaps what has been working isn’t working now.
You can always go back to your old ways if you find the new ways aren’t working. Why not try them out? Another thing is choice. I have three kids and two of them are twins. They graduated or whatever you want to call it these days since there’s no graduation. There was a barbecue. It was a social distancing barbecue. Everyone was drinking and they were like, “Why aren’t you drinking?” I don’t drink anyway, but I was saying, “I’m on this podcast and I want to show up for the people the way I need to show up.” Everyone was having fun, but a little sloppy, but fun. I chose not to. That’s making a choice because I have something else in mind that’s more important to me. You have to figure out your priorities. You have to be intentional about them. You have to choose your purpose. Your purpose can change. Maybe your purpose is to have a better life or to grow from here to here, and that’s your purpose. You set your intention. You put it out there in the universe so the universe can conspire to make it happen with you, but then you have to do the work.
I like that and I appreciate that because that’s a great example of being you. You want to be a mindset coach, motivational speaker, or whatever. You said, “I want to be fantastic on this podcast.” You said, “In order for me to be that person, who do I have to be today? I can’t be a person that drinks because that may affect how I show up,” such as life. Wherever you want to go, who do you want to be? If you want to be that person, who do you have to be today? If you want to be a person ten years from now, you want to be a fitness model or whatever, who do you have to be today in order to be the fitness model? In my opinion, that should dictate your behavior, thoughts, rituals, values, relationships.
Your sleep regimen is going to affect everything because you adopt the characteristics of the person that you want to become. It’s not so much what you have to do. We talk about, I have to do the fear. Someone told me, “You don’t have to do something until you want to do it. Once you want to do it, you don’t have to do it any longer.” If you want to be some type of person or this type of person, who do you have to be today in order to do that? If that feels good with you, then you have a higher chance of being that type of person because you’re adopting the characteristics of that type of person.
I love that and it’s also important to know. If one day you decide that no longer fits who you want to be, because we’re on a path, then you get to do that. You get to do the same thing Rodney said, which is reevaluate, look, adjust, course correct, and go forward again and again. If you don’t know where you want to go, how can you ever get there? You got to start somewhere. You got to pick something out. You got to have it front of mind. You got to live it. Some days you won’t live it and that’s okay, too.
I love what you said about having it in front of mind. A lot of dreams are lost because there’s not the right amount of focus on those dreams. We try and it doesn’t work and it doesn’t feel good. We don’t look at the vision as much. The intensity about it is not as strong. Instead of it being a must, it’s a nice to have. It’s like, “I don’t think I need that anyway. Let me try something different.” When we can keep the idea in front of us, in front of mind, it’s like, “There’s nothing else. This is what I want. This is who I’m going to be. This is what I want to do.” It’s this picture. We don’t give up on the picture. That, too, dictates behavior, how you think you network. Having that focus on what it is you want to do in front of you every single day constantly affects how you respond. What are your thoughts about that?
I like that. In the beginning, sometimes it’s hard to get into that habit because you’re used to sleepwalking or being on autopilot. You’re completely right. You have to obsess over it to a degree. What you can do is get a dry erase marker and write on your mirror in the bathroom. Hopefully, you brush your teeth in the morning. When you go in, you’ll see it. I used to do this for my kids, but it wasn’t about what they would be. I would write, “I am amazing. I am confident. I am this. I am that.” They’d wake up and instead of seeing you in the mirror, they’d see, “I am,” and internalize it. If you want to be a health coach, “I am a health coach. I am healthy. I eat well. I hydrate. I exercise.” That’s on your mirror. That’s going to be how you start your day. It’s going to be in your frame of mind.
If you don’t want to write on your mirror, first of all, don’t use Sharpie, dry erase, don’t forget. Sticky pads all over your house. Put them on your refrigerator. Put them on the door to your bedroom. Put them on the door outside so you start seeing it all over. It’s like osmosis and then it becomes a reality for you. In the beginning, we all have these thoughts that go in and out of our heads and you’re pumped. The next day, you wake up and you don’t even think about it and you don’t remember. You think you failed or you can’t do it because it never happened. You never put an intention on it.
Start having reminders. Put them in your phone, your social media page other than following me and Rodney, of course. It should be all things positive and all things about the things that you want to become. Your feed is your vision board and not, “Look at that hot girl in a bikini. Look at that guy at Muscle Beach.” You want it to be all about what you’re trying to create for yourself. When you do that, it’s going to start to happen naturally. You’re not even going to have to work for some parts of it. Of course, there are plenty of parts you will have to work for, but it’s going to seep into your whole being, and then you’re going to start living it.
You start embodying the person that you want to become and the things you want to do. I love this because we’ve gone full circle here. We started talking about deprogramming and challenging and limiting beliefs and then coming up with new ones. After you come up with those new beliefs, this is how you reprogram those beliefs into your subconscious mind to the point where you embody body it. You don’t even have to think about it. You do things. You naturally wake up at 4:00 AM and go to the gym. I know some people are like, “What?”
When you have this level of embodiment to being a self-fitness person or something, it may compel you to get up at 4:00 AM and go workout, because you don’t want to be distracted. You want to have the gym to yourself. It allows you to think and get your thoughts together to start your day. It may be that, that’s an example. There may be other things that you do as a result of embodying because you reprogram your mindset.
I think of feeling it and knowing if it feels right and if it’s in alignment. Resonance tells you if you’re on the right track. People are like, “Being with my kids. This is my thing.” For me, I know I’m on the right track. If you’re not feeling good, you’re not on the right track. You got to figure out when was the last time you felt joy? What did it feel like? Was your heart beating fast? Did you get butterflies? What was it in your body? Capture that again next time. The more you capture that, the more you’ll be there.
I wanted to also say one other thing, which is forgiveness is huge. When we’re not happy, we do things to others. I’ve done a lot of things to hurt a lot of people. I’ve reached out to people over the course of my life to apologize to them and tell them, “This is where I was in my life. I’m no longer there. I’m sorry.” Equally as important, forgive yourself. You’re always doing the best you can in the moment. As long as you continue on your path and continue to grow and notice what you’ve done and where you’re going and give yourself that compassion and forgiveness, forgiveness is huge. You let yourself off the hook. It doesn’t mean you’re saying, “I did this and that’s fine. This person did this and that’s fine.” You’re rising above it and saying, “It happens. It’s okay. I’m moving on from it.” Because we’re hard on ourselves, we are our own worst critic. We’re tough on ourselves and you have to let go of that and that’s where the love starts coming.
How can that hold us back? A lot of people feel like, “That was in the past. I don’t want to go dig that up. I still feel the same way. I’m not going to apologize. I’m not going to forgive. I’m going to keep going. It is what it is. I’m going to forget about it.” Why is it important to address that?
First of all, you’re not forgetting about it. It’s sitting in you. It’s coming out in other ways. It leaks out all over the place and everyone is seeing it and it’s part of your unhappiness. Second of all, you don’t have to call people. There are people that I didn’t want to get back in touch with. I either said something to myself about it or I wrote a letter and never sent it. It frees you up. If you wind up reading my book and you see the things I went through, I forgave what happened at other people’s hands. It’s like, “Why am I holding on to that toxicity? What good is that doing to me?”
If you are not happy in your life, releasing it will lighten your load, lighten you up and allow you to move forward. I’m not saying go back and relive the situation and feel all the emotions of it. I’m saying, find a place in yourself saying, “Whatever they did to me that sucked and it was awful, it happened and it’s over. I want love in my life. I want happiness. I want peace. I’m going to send that out to them and that’s what’s going to come back to me.”
Earlier, you were talking about whenever you feel that resonance and you feel that energy pulling you forward towards anything, your relationship or a new routine, a new way of living, a new way of being. It’s that energy that you feel. When you can feel that energy, it gives you a sense of comfort and knowing and certainty because you can feel that energy. Forgiveness, in my mind, could block you from being able to feel that flow. When you’re in a space where you can feel the universe communicating with you, the universe is saying, “Yes. This is for you. You’re on the right path. I’m listening and I’m with you and I’m for you. I know where you’re going. I’m here to support you.” When you’re holding on to things like that, it can block that communication.You put your intention out there so the universe can conspire to make it happen with you, but you have to do the work. Click To Tweet
There are signs all the time and the clearer you get and the more you release anger, bitterness, self-hatred, and all those things. we live in a five-sense world, but we want to be multi-dimensional in our sensory intake. It’s not just our eyes, our ears, our nose, our smell or taste or touch, it’s so much more than that. We’re linear-focused and believe in what we have been taught. There’s so much more. When you release certain feelings and certain conditions and programming and stuff like that, this whole world, this whole universe becomes a magical place that guides you and directs you. You have trust and you have faith. In the beginning, it’s hard because you’re like, “This doesn’t feel right. This doesn’t seem right. This isn’t what I was taught.” Take a little chance. Take a risk. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen? You won’t do it again if you don’t like it. Chances are, you’re going to take that risk and you’re going to like, “This is what they were talking about on that podcast. I like this. I want more of it.”
I believe we are co-creators with the universe and that’s why we have a consciousness and a subconscious. Those are the tools in which we use to communicate with the universe. We have feelings. When you get into this work and you raise your awareness of what’s possible to you, you let go of the programming. You open up this world of being able to communicate with the universe. It’s a form of prayer. You begin to go on this journey of discovery, of purpose and intent and contribution and co-creation with the universe. It’s those feelings that lead and guide you along your journey. You’re able to feel your way through.
You feel it with your heart and not your head. You’re led by your heart. It’s a beautiful place to be. Trust me. I don’t know about you, but I was a low vibrational being for a long time. I know the difference and how magical it is.
Talk to us about that. I’m glad you said that. What do you mean you were a low vibrating individual?
I was constantly self-sabotaging. I went through a lot of painful things. I built up walls. I was getting in my own way over and over again by hurting others, hurting myself, keeping myself down, not believing in myself, not trusting myself, not listening to my inner voice, intuition, the universe, the signs. It keeps you in a place that’s safe, but unhappy and where you can’t grow and where you can’t reach your potential. I’m a lot older and it’s taken me this many years to get to where I am today. There is another level and a better place for me to go even from here, which I’m excited about. You have to get started.
The vibration is you start to feel it. You start to see your choices are different. You start to be okay with your choices and not thinking about what everyone else will think about your choices or what they’ll say if you’re taking a different path and not caring. When you’re in that low vibrational state, it comes with many other things. It’s not valuing yourself. It’s not doing things that support your growth, not moving, not eating well, not taking care of your mind, and not listening to your heart. We don’t want to listen to our hearts because our hearts hurt us. We’ve been hurt because we’ve listened to our head. We have certain expectations and things that we want from people, the world, and life. Let go of all of those attachments and expectations and have faith and trust and let your heart lead the way.
I’m going to use a romantic example because it’s the easiest one for people to relate to. You want someone to like you. You want to put yourself out there, but you are afraid they’re going to hurt you. If you’re feeling it and you want it, go do it. If they’re not there and their response isn’t what you want it to be, it has nothing to do with you. It’s where they’re at right now. We take it personally as if it’s a commentary on who we are as a person or our value. Why wouldn’t they like us? Why aren’t we smart enough, nice enough, attractive enough, funny enough? You have a good enough body, but it’s none of that. It’s not a good match now. When you start letting go of all those things and those attachments and expectations, you can flow and you can be and enjoy what comes and what goes.
I love talking about letting go of the attachments. Let’s park here for a little bit. What do you mean when you say letting go of the attachments?
We’re attached to every outcome. We’re attached to everything we do. We’re attached to every thought we have. We’re attached to everything other people think of us. When we create these attachments, we’re rigid, structured, controlled. Guess what it’s all is? It’s all ego. It’s all our ego-mind keeping us safe. When we do that, we feel like we’re in control until something happens that happened to me, which is my dad, unexpectedly, he passed away in 2016. Who would have ever thought it? No one in my world who knew him. A year later, my mom. No one would have ever thought that. I had this picture, “My dad passed but my mom will be fine. She’s going to come and help me with the kids.” I’m a single mom. Everything’s going to be great. We’re going to have this great relationship. One day, she wasn’t here anymore.
The thing is, we have no control over anything. It’s all an illusion. Look at this pandemic. Look at how life has changed. For me, it hasn’t been a hard transition or my kids because it’s how I raised them. We got to go with the flow and trust what’s happening. It’s what’s meant to happen and not resist it. When we resist, we’re in pain, we’re miserable, we’re out of control. If you trust, none of that matters. Letting go of every way you think it should be. That doesn’t mean it won’t be that way. The rigidity of it, it’s a calmer, quieter, more peaceful place to be and you can do it. Take step by step.
I call that mental agility. When you have the ability, mentally, to flex. It’s like, “This play was supposed to go this way.” It started out that way, but it didn’t in that way. At the end of the day, we all got to a successful place. We reached a destination. Sometimes we can’t get to the destination because we’re looking at the map and the map says, “Go that way and that’s the way you’re supposed to go.” Clearly, this way is wide open. You can get there that way, but you won’t take it because it said, “Go this way.” I don’t know what’s down the road. I’m going this way, but that way is blocked. I’m still going that way because that’s what it said. We have to have the mental agility.
It’s all about pivoting. That map is your brain. My clients are always talking to me about their anxiety and being in their heads all the time. You’re able to release that, which I do believe the easiest path to releasing is meditation. Meditation doesn’t have to be, “Om.” It could be a walk outside. It could be sitting on your couch and having your earbuds on and listening to music. It could be washing the dishes. It doesn’t have to be this formal practice that Buddhists do, and I do too. I do a lot of different practices for meditation because there are lots of different ways to meditate.
What I would say is start with three minutes and don’t be attached to what meditation is supposed to be, everyone thinks it’s supposed to be. You sit and nothing comes into your mind. I’m sorry. That’s not how it starts. That’s where you want to go to. For me, it’s taken years to get there. The first thing you need to do is sit and let the thoughts go through your mind. All the thoughts that are always in your head, “I’m not good enough. I’m not this. I’m not that.” All the what-ifs that you create that almost never come to reality, you let them fly through your head. They could fly through for a few years, it’s not days.
As you start to release them, they fly through you and you notice them and then you let them go, you’re going to start to notice a fewer and fewer of those thoughts come in because you’re noticing them and your letting go, rather than attaching yourself to them and holding on to them. Your meditation becomes a much easier and more peaceful and enjoyable process. In the beginning, like growth, it’s a little bit messy and you got to go with it. All you have to do is put on a timer and sit for three minutes and don’t do anything. Don’t question it, sit there and do that for a while and then add to the time.
That is a cleansing process. There are dirty thoughts and then there are clean thoughts. Those dirty thoughts are all those thoughts, you’re not good enough, “I’m fat. I’m not this. I’m not that.” Those are dirty thoughts. You want to cleanse yourself until you can get pure and clean thoughts. I love that process you’re talking about. A lot of times, we can’t think properly because of all of the dirty thoughts that are in our heads. We don’t cleanse it. It’s like doing a detox for your body, you drink something to get all the toxins out. What are you doing for your mind? What are you doing for your thoughts to get all of those dirty thoughts out of your mind?
If you’re not doing it through meditation, find another way. It doesn’t have to be meditation. If you’re not doing anything to release the thoughts, then they’re sitting there contaminated. If you’re not going to the bathroom, it’s the same exact thing. You got to release.
We’re constipated in the mind. That’s blockage. You wonder, “Why can’t I get into the flow? Why can’t I feel the bliss? Why can’t I get over this and experience my breakthrough?” It could be because your thoughts are blocked. You have these thoughts that are preventing you from releasing so that you can hear the thoughts or receive the thoughts that will allow you to take action to experience the breakthrough that you’ve been looking for.Let go of attachments and expectations, have faith and trust and let your heart lead the way. Click To Tweet
I don’t know what the age group of your demographic is, but we’ll start with twenty-something because I’m sure there are not too many teenagers. Let’s say you’re twenty years old. You’ve had twenty years of these negative thoughts. You would think one month is going to get rid of them, two months. It will take twenty years to get rid of them. Luckily, for us, it is quicker, but it’s certainly not going to take a short amount of time to get rid of twenty years of negativity. You got to be patient. You got to go easy on yourself. Be kind.
If you don’t want to meditate, another great tool is journaling. Journaling doesn’t mean writing things down. I’m not big into writing and journaling, although I do it because I’m doing this little practice for myself. You could go voice record it to yourself on what’s going on, the thoughts that are coming in. You could put it in your notes or on your phone. You can do it in lots of different ways. It’s honoring what is inside of you and then releasing it and letting it go in any capacity.
I love the idea of journaling because you can clearly see it. You have a thought. A thought is in free form. There’s no structure to it. It’s a thought. It’s not in a real and tangible form. When you write that thought down on that paper, you can see the form of the thought that you were thinking. You can burn it. You can trash it. You can throw it away. There’s a physical act of letting it go. Consciously, your body and your mind and your spirit have seen the thought. They’ve thought the thought. They’ve seen the thought written down in its physical form and then seeing you get rid of the thought. The body and the mind understand that that thought is no longer there.
Going through that practice over time builds the muscle that that thought doesn’t belong. It reiterates it. It’s stronger than meditation, in my opinion, because of the practice. You’re throwing that thought away and then you get to introduce new thoughts. The thoughts that you have, you come up within your mind, you write that down, and then you keep that close to you. You keep that in your journal. You keep that somewhere, maybe next to your bed and you revisit that though. You don’t revisit the thoughts that you’re getting rid of because they’re gone. That’s a powerful practice, in my mind, to help with the reprogramming.
I could put it into simple terms for you, what you’re saying. I went through it myself. I decided to start journaling because I wanted to break a pattern. I decided it was time. Years ago, my dad passed away, and then my mom. Mom was June 17th and my dad was June 5th. My birthday is the day after my mom passed. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and my sister’s birthday so it’s five weeks of not a fine time. Year after year has been brutal. Every year, I have this pattern where I’m like, “This is going to be the worst time of my life. It’s horrible. I’m going to have to get through it. My birthday is never going to be a good birthday ever again.” I’m not even a big birthday person in the first place. I don’t even know why I care. I said, “I’m going to journal my way through it.” The first thing I’m going to do is set an intention.
I set that intention on a video on Instagram. I held myself accountable to my viewers or my followers or whatever. I went through it and I journaled. I was putting things out there that weren’t even happening. This is what I was going to start thinking the day before. I was starting to worry about how I was going to feel the day before my dad’s anniversary. I wasn’t even at my dad’s anniversary. I was creating this thing for myself and journaling and reading back and I realized, “I’m creating this reality for myself. This is when it stops.” They’re never going to be amazing because you lose your parents. It’s not a fun time. I had a pleasant time and I changed it. That’s what we’re talking about, pattern disruptors. Journaling and looking at why you’re creating certain things and realizing you create your own reality and sometimes you do it even before it happens. That’s the way to stop it.
Pam, how can people connect with you?
It’s been a pleasure having you on the show, Pam. I love your energy. This has been great. Unfortunately, we have to bring it to an end. I want to get you back on the show whenever you drop your book. Let me know. This is amazing. You are amazing.
Right back at you.
Thank you very much. Before we bring the show to an end, we always ask, how can we bounce back from adversity, dominate our challenges, and consistently win at the game of life?
You have to be your own best advocate. You have to learn to love yourself. You have to go inwards. Those are all the same things. When you go inwards and you take care of yourself and you heal yourself, you’re going to love yourself. You’re going to advocate for yourself and you’re going to cheer for yourself. In the meantime, I’m here to cheer for you. I keep telling you that. You can reach out to me. You have so much support that you’re not even realizing. We love you and you got this. You can do it.
Thank you, Pam Christian.
There you have it, another successful episode. You got this. Go inward, that’s where all of your answers are. Challenge some of those limiting beliefs. This was a great show for you to read over and over again. This whole deprogramming and reprogramming, it’s something we’re not taught in school. If you’re not around people that are talking about this stuff, you may never even be aware of it. You go around, perhaps, sleepwalking as it was described. That’s what that means when you’re oblivious to what’s available to you. In order for you to gain access to that, you have to let go of certain things. You have to let go of certain beliefs, certain ideas, certain thoughts in order for us to allow new ones to come in.
I was listening to a seminar one day and this guy, he wanted to be like Bruce Lee. He wanted to be everything that Bruce Lee was. Bruce Lee said, “I’m going to teach you how to be like me. Before I do, you have to be willing to let go of your ideas so that you can accept mine. I’m not telling you to accept mine. I’m asking that you take a peek and see what it feels like for yourself. If it feels good, let’s ride together as game-changers.” Until next time, peace and love.
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About Pam Christian
Pam Christian, Founder, Owner and CEO of The Pam Christian Group, has been an entrepreneur and successful Real Estate agent since 2005. Throughout her fifteen year career in real estate, Pam has assisted hundreds upon hundreds of happy home buyers and sellers. Pam’s commitment to excellence, customer satisfaction and ability to build strong relationships with her clients, propelled her career and quickly established herself as a top performing Bergen County real estate agent. Pam’s dedication and expertise in her industry has earned her the most prestigious awards in the business, including Circle of Excellence – Platinum Level, 100 Most Influential Realtors in New Jersey, and Real Trends Top Realtors.
Pam has always been of the mindset that teaching and sharing her expertise with others is the answer to unleash human potential. Pam has demonstrated the importance of service through her teachings, seminars, personal mentoring and her involvement on countless panel discussions. Pam’s desire to help others has led her to leave real estate and follow her lifelong passion of motivating others to live their best life. This desire gave birth to her Conscious Coaching/Motivational Speaking business, where she has been changing the mindset of her clients and helping them to transform their lives by eliminating self-created barriers, maximizing their full potential, and dramatically increasing their effectiveness on both personal and professional levels. Pam is also available for Motivational speaking engagements, where she spreads her messages and techniques to larger groups. You can also hear Pam in action on her Podcast/VLOG “The Juice” where she interviews interesting and inspiring business owners and uncovers the secrets to their success. Coming from a background of both major trauma and healing, Pam has been preparing for this role for as long as she can remember. A voracious reader and lover of all things self-improvement, growth and wellness, Pam has developed the tools necessary to assist people in their growth and help them to become the best version of themselves.
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